I had a miscarriage… and to say I reeeaaalllllyyyyyyy I wish it hadn’t of happened would be an understatement…
Yes, this is a super private thing to write about on a blog- but one thing I realized going through this the past few weeks was that I wish there were more blog posts, etc from people my age to learn from.
Everything that is out there is either from couples who have tried to conceive forever, medical jargon-filled, super depressing, late-in-life pregnancies, but I’ve had a very hard time finding I’m-in-my-early-twenties-and-no-this-wasn’t-an-accident-and-yes-it-totally-sucks kind of posts to relate to.
The first few weeks of the pregnancy were full of ups and downs. First, we were told that the baby was 8 weeks along. Go to the first ultrasound… Doctor is super silent… can’t see anything. At all. So either no baby or I was really only 4-5 weeks. We go through or greiving process and prepare for the worst.
Another week passes, another ultrasound. This time to baby is there! 6 weeks 2 days and a heartbeat 🙂 We are very happy and relieved. Next ultrasound is in three weeks.
9 week ultrasound. Doctor is silent again. The baby is still there… still measuring 6 weeks and 2 days, so something must’ve happened the day we left the doctor’s three weeks previous. No heartbeat either. Surprisingly we held it together, which I think is because we already went through a mini grieving process three weeks prior. Called our parents, which hurts the most.
Unfortunately it is also the holiday season so we try to share our bad news to family members as soon as possible, so the 5 or 6 days before Christmas help with healing before we see anyone. Unfortunately knowing that everyone knows also casts quite the shadow on myself at our family events. I felt like a little rain cloud going from place to place, dampening everyone’s Christmas. But, I am glad that they knew about everything so we didn’t have to tell them that day or try to pretend nothing was wrong.
We found out December 21st. The doctor said a miscarriage would occur within a week or two and if not to come back in. I’ll spare you the details on what would happen if I “came back in,” I’m sure those sort of details are available in abundance on all those doctor sites and informative and super depressing message boards…
Anyways, miscarriage began slowly after the 21st, then unfortunately I lost too much blood this Sunday, the 30th, and was transported from my house to the hosiptal via ambulance. Let me tell you, if you ever want to feel lost in your hometown do it in the back of an ambulance, facing backwards, and going very fast!
My poor dogs were sitting and pacing around the bathroom worried sick 😦 They did not care for the EMT’s that were crammed in the kitchen or the stretcher they carried me out on. I’m sure we gave our neighbors something to talk about… I’veonly had one ask me what the ruckus was about, and I can tell I made him squirm with my response.
Being at the hospital was not fun. I kept on apologizing to all the nurses, techs, sonographers, etc but they assured me they were used to it all. After a 5 hour hospital visit in the Senior ER ward (yeah I’m that cool…) we were able to go home.
It still was horrible, but I am SO glad I was prepared for it. If you didn’t know you were going to have a miscarriage and were going along being happily pregnant, I’m sure the amount of blood would’ve sent you into a tailspin or worse. That’s why education is so important. After we found out we were going to miscarry, we start getting statistics dropped on us left and right. Apparently 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage. This is especially true for those women who are having their first pregnancy.
Well, guess what. Someone should’ve said that at my first 3 appointments. I didn’t see it in any of my books or read it online until I looked for it. I guess they want the mom-to-be’s to feel safe and secure and think happy thoughts? I would’ve like to know right from the start that there was a decent chance rather than be sideswiped later on, but that’s just me.
My husband and I still have our moments where we are overcome with emotion. It is definitely something hard to handle, especially when I was supposed to be 11 weeks on NYE. And going through such a traumatic bodily experience can make anyone depressed or shaken, at the very least. I am grateful that it occured before the start of the new year, though. I feel like spiritually, we are ready to move forward. Maybe not move on just yet, but at least forward so we can conquer another year. As my Dad says, this will create a bond for us. After dating and being married for the past 4 years, we’ve gone through a lot of changes and grief. I feel that this is one of the first things that is “ours” together that we must go through. Between the ups and downs of hormones, sadness, and loss, we cling to eachother because no one else knows our specific pain. And for that I am thankful- thankful that I have such an amazing support system and that my best friend and husband are one person mixed together that knows exactly how I am feeling and what I need.
Going through a miscarriage is terrible. But apparently it is more common than you think. Hopefully if any other young mothers-to-be stumble upon this page they will realize that if they are diagnosed as having a future miscarriage it is not because of anything that they did nor are they weird in any way. With so many things to worry about, I think our OBGYN’s refrain from telling us certain things because there’s already so many books and websites and so forth that “inform” us of every disease and infection we can get. I guess it’s for the best, but it still doesn’t take away the pain.
My husband and I are slowly moving on, staying close, and keeping the lines of communication open. It’s rough, but we’ll get through it 🙂 And if you’re going through a similar experience, you will too, just give it time…