2012 Really Closed Itself Out with a Bang.

had a miscarriage… and to say I reeeaaalllllyyyyyyy I wish it hadn’t of happened would be an understatement…

Yes, this is a super private thing to write about on a blog- but one thing I realized going through this the past few weeks was that I wish there were more blog posts, etc from people my age to learn from.

Everything that is out there is either from couples who have tried to conceive forever, medical jargon-filled, super depressing, late-in-life pregnancies, but I’ve had a very hard time finding I’m-in-my-early-twenties-and-no-this-wasn’t-an-accident-and-yes-it-totally-sucks kind of posts to relate to.

Rewind:

The first few weeks of the pregnancy were full of ups and downs.  First, we were told that the baby was 8 weeks along.  Go to the first ultrasound… Doctor is super silent… can’t see anything. At all. So either no baby or I was really only 4-5 weeks.  We go through or greiving process and prepare for the worst.

Another week passes, another ultrasound. This time to baby is there! 6 weeks 2 days and a heartbeat 🙂 We are very happy and relieved.  Next ultrasound is in three weeks.

9 week ultrasound. Doctor is silent again. The baby is still there… still measuring 6 weeks and 2 days, so something must’ve happened the day we left the doctor’s three weeks previous.  No heartbeat either.  Surprisingly we held it together, which I think is because we already went through a mini grieving process three weeks prior.  Called our parents, which hurts the most.

Unfortunately it is also the holiday season so we try to share our bad news to family members as soon as possible, so the 5 or 6 days before Christmas help with healing before we see anyone.  Unfortunately knowing that everyone knows also casts quite the shadow on myself at our family events. I felt like a little rain cloud going from place to place, dampening everyone’s Christmas.  But, I am glad that they knew about everything so we didn’t have to tell them that day or try to pretend nothing was wrong.

We found out December 21st. The doctor said a miscarriage would occur within a week or two and if not to come back in.  I’ll spare you the details on what would happen if I “came back in,” I’m sure those sort of details are available in abundance on all those doctor sites and informative and super depressing message boards…

Anyways, miscarriage began slowly after the 21st, then unfortunately I lost too much blood this Sunday, the 30th, and was transported from my house to the hosiptal via ambulance.  Let me tell you, if you ever want to feel lost in your hometown do it in the back of an ambulance, facing backwards, and going very fast!

My poor dogs were sitting and pacing around the bathroom worried sick 😦 They did not care for the EMT’s that were crammed in the kitchen or the stretcher they carried me out on. I’m sure we gave our neighbors something to talk about… I’veonly had one ask me what the ruckus was about, and I can tell I made him squirm with my response.

Being at the hospital was not fun.  I kept on apologizing to all the nurses, techs, sonographers, etc but they assured me they were used to it all.  After a 5 hour hospital visit in the Senior ER ward (yeah I’m that cool…) we were able to go home.

It still was horrible, but I am SO glad I was prepared for it.  If you didn’t know you were going to have a miscarriage and were going along being happily pregnant, I’m sure the amount of blood would’ve sent you into a tailspin or worse.  That’s why education is so important.  After we found out we were going to miscarry, we start getting statistics dropped on us left and right. Apparently 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage.  This is especially true for those women who are having their first pregnancy.

Well, guess what. Someone should’ve said that at my first 3 appointments.  I didn’t see it in any of my books or read it online until I looked for it.  I guess they want the mom-to-be’s to feel safe and secure and think happy thoughts?  I would’ve like to know right from the start that there was a decent chance rather than be sideswiped later on, but that’s just me.

My husband and I still have our moments where we are overcome with emotion.  It is definitely something hard to handle, especially when I was supposed to be 11 weeks on NYE. And going through such a traumatic bodily experience can make anyone depressed or shaken, at the very least.  I am grateful that it occured before the start of the new year, though.  I feel like spiritually, we are ready to move forward.  Maybe not move on just yet, but at least forward so we can conquer another year.  As my Dad says, this will create a bond for us.  After dating and being married for the past 4 years, we’ve gone through a lot of changes and grief.  I feel that this is one of the first things that is “ours” together that we must go through.  Between the ups and downs of hormones, sadness, and loss, we cling to eachother because no one else knows our specific pain.  And for that I am thankful- thankful that I have such an amazing support system and that my best friend and husband are one person mixed together that knows exactly how I am feeling and what I need.

Going through a miscarriage is terrible. But apparently it is more common than you think.  Hopefully if any other young mothers-to-be stumble upon this page they will realize that if they are diagnosed as having a future miscarriage it is not because of anything that they did nor are they weird in any way.  With so many things to worry about, I think our OBGYN’s refrain from telling us certain things because there’s already so many books and websites and so forth that “inform” us of every disease and infection we can get.  I guess it’s for the best, but it still doesn’t take away the pain.

My husband and I are slowly moving on, staying close, and keeping the lines of communication open.  It’s rough, but we’ll get through it 🙂 And if you’re going through a similar experience, you will too, just give it time…

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9 thoughts on “2012 Really Closed Itself Out with a Bang.

  1. I’m in a similar boat.
    I’m 22, my husband and i started trying to get pregnant several months ago, we got pregnant… and SO excited. The full story is here:
    http://vanruiten.wordpress.com/category/my-thoughts/
    but we also had a miscarriage, ours was at 12 weeks
    You’re SO right! you hear about all those statistics after the fact. But when you get pregnant (especially the first time) you dont know those things.
    Reading your blog was the first time i heard that its more common to miscarry when its your first pregnancy. -but it makes sense.
    My OBGYN told me that its 1 in 4 pregnancies and the ER doc (an a** of a guy) told me that its 1 in 3.
    We were also greatful that we had at least a few hours to grieve and understand what was going on, before the actual miscarriage happened.
    The greiving is the worst. For me it took a long time. Its been three weeks. Most days are good, no crying, no sadness, and im able to talk about it normally. But now and then a day comes along when i cry and feel down. At first it was really difficult, mostly because of the hormonal imbalance that you go through.
    how is it for you so far?
    have you thought about trying again? and what does your doc recomend?
    if you need a non-judgemental person (whos going through it too) to talk to about this im here.
    I’ve heard from people that this can push a couple together or it can push them apart.
    My husband and I are very close, i think its making us closer, it seems like you have a great guy to hold on to as well.
    ttyl
    Linda
    http://vanruiten.wordpress.com/category/my-thoughts/

  2. Thanks Linda! Glad to see that the post helped, reading your comment definitely helped me 🙂 The doc said to wait at least one more cycle, what about you? I think we may wait a little longer since we just graduated and think that maybe God is telling us something. S weird when you hear stories about teens having unwanted babies and people not even knowing that they’re pregnant until the birth yet we have such a hard time. I have a wonderful feeling that it ‘ll all work out for the best for both of us 🙂 it sucks right now, but just keep going. we are fortunate to have our years ahead of us… keep practicing! 😉

  3. hey! sorry I never saw your reply. The notification went straight to my spam folder.
    I had my appointment in the beginning of jan with my OBGYN and she said everything was going good and I can start trying after I have one period. Finally my period happened (never thought I would be so excited for a period 🙂 and Saturday it ended. So we started trying again. I’m terrified, my husband doesn’t understand how I can be so scared. But I’m really worried about it happening again. It really took a toll on my emotional health the first time and I don’t know how I’ll be able to handle it a second time.
    And, I’ll tell you a secret. A good friend of mine just announced that she’s pregnant. (5 weeks) It just seems so unfair. I try so hard to be happy for her but it just hurts me to see her so happy and to know that were struggling so much. I feel like a bad person for feeling this way 😦
    yes! it’s crazy that teenagers are having unwanted babies or even throwing them in dumpsters! (I know someone like that)
    That’s right, keep going, just keep going.
    My hubby says “Just take it day by day, every day’s another day” 😉
    He also says “Keep practicing!” hehe
    So how are you? Any update?
    Still deciding to wait before trying again? Is that because of fear? It took quite a bit of courage before we could decide to try again too.
    Talk to you soon! sorry again for the late reply
    Linda

    • Hey there- Still waiting- hubby just got a new job and I’m not sure if I want to go back to school or not. Keeping options open! I usually do things back to back… example graduate highschool at 17, get married at 21, buy house at 21, graduate college at 23, get pregnant and miscarry at 23 lol… so I’m forcing myself to take at least 6 months to be free and not make ANY life changing decisions, school or otherwise. Not sure if it is fear or not, but I feel wonderful having no decisions to make for once! I DO think it is extremely courageous to be trying again- bravo!!! I am very happy for you guys, and your time will come. I have a coworker coming back tomorrow that sits rght next to me… not very excited to listen to all of her newborn stories and people asking her the same questions over and over. Trying my best to be happy, but it was still less than a month ago!! We should both keep our chins up, the future is bright!!
      xoxo kmz

  4. That’s right. A good way to think about things. Keep our chins up. I feel like no one understands what we’re going through. That’s why I like talking to you and writing a little about it in my blog. We’re in the same boat. You understand. My hubbie understands but he feels a little different about it than I do. Because its not his body going through it. My BFF is in a totally different stage of life she doesn’t even have a boyfriend. And my mom is the “oh just get over it” type of person.
    I’m the type of person who has to look forward to something and make plans. It would be so hard for me to just stay still and not plan the future lol. What would you go back to school for? Does your hubbie agree with your plans? Oh I can imagine having to hear someone talk about their new baby during work. My only advice would be to just stay busy and keep your mind off it. I hope (if she knows about you) that she is careful and thinks about what she says. Anyway. Good luck!
    -Linda

    • Yeah she knows for the most part… worst thing is that we had a new woman start today that had a baby the day before her!!! Apparently I’m strong enough to handle this, or else God wouldn’t have put me in this direction. Not sure about school yet, something regarding environmental justice or sustaining nature- I’d love to keep the Great Lakes in great shape 🙂

      Good luck to you too! It will get better ❤ You better let me know ASAP when you get the "good news!!" 🙂

      • Is it crazy that I think I’m pregnant? I think my hopes are driving me crazy. But I’m going to wait to take a test Until next Tuesday. That way I have less of a chance to get a false positive. I’ve been feeling good lately. Hopefully it all gets better for the both of us.
        You are strong. I’m sure you can handle it.
        I live in Texas so I’m not close to the Great Lakes. But are they nice? My hubbie and I are planning to eventually see all of the states. Every year we want to take a road trip through several states. Eventually I want to see the Great Lakes. Any advise? Any interesting parts of the lakes or different places or advise on things to do/see? Let me knew and ill put it on our list!
        Linda

      • Oh I’m hoping for the best! I got my first monthly visit since last September and it was pretty hard- just reminded me of that day 😦 Oh well, babies are on the brain again, we’ll see how long hubby can hold me off for 😉

        Lake Michigan is THE BEST! On the west side of the state, but sooo gorgeous! We got married near it and I love to go there every year. Lots of sandy beaches but the water is usually quite cold! The lighthouses are fun to visit, as are the little shops in all of the little coastal towns! 🙂

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